I am 21 years old. I have been battling some pretty severe depression for the last year. I went to the mental ward 6 months ago for attempted suicide. Me and my two best friends went out 2 weeks ago for coffee. When one of them left I got really upset at her. Not because she did anything wrong. I love her a lot. She was just super happy, talked about her new relationship, and what seems to be perfect life.

I guess I get jealous because I am so insecure. She is super pretty and never has problems finding boyfriends. I am not ugly and could find someone if it wasn't for this dark hole I put myself in. I cant get out. And I hate seeing people happy but I hate being alone. I use my friends as a distraction but then get mad when they are happy.... They don't realize how bad I hurt on a day to day basis.... well, they know. But not really. They tell me that I need to change my outlook. Anyways.....

When my friend left I snapped on my other friend and said some pretty nasty things. Towards him.... but especially towards my pretty friend. I said she was a fat *****. I didn't mean it. Idk where it came from. I begged him not to say anything because I didn't think it. I just wanted to tear her down so for two seconds I could feel ok. But he went behind my back and told her what I said. I really didn't mean it. I think she is beautiful and an amazing person. I just lost control and now I feel like a monster. I keep telling her I didn't mean it. I honestly wouldn't blame her if she hated me forever. I just feel like garbage and this is making me more depressed. Idk how to fix this anymore besides be alone until im better