I am looking for answers, but I'm not really sure that I want them. My husband says that I am floating through life not caring about anything. I suppose this is very close to the truth. He finds it very frustrating, which upsets me, but I'm not sure how to go back to the person I was when I actually thought that hard work, diligence and intelligence would get me somewhere.

So, here's the gist: I'm 47. I have a Master's degree and taught college for 20 years - but mostly as an adjunct, which means very low pay and no security. I've had full time teaching positions but they always take me away from where my family and I want to live. We never make it more than a year before we are so homesick that we come home.... back to adjuncting. There's too much to explain about adjuncting and how it debilitates a person. Along the way, I applied and was accepted to a PhD program, but we couldn't make it work because my husband did not want to live in poverty for 5 years. This was over 10 years ago, and I've accepted it, but there is still that feeling that I gave up on a dream to make him happy. Don't get me wrong here. I completely understand that it was ultimately my choice. I could have pushed harder or just left him and gone to do it anyway. I chose to take a different path and focus on my family instead.

So, a few years back I took a job as an assistant manager for an apartment complex - thinking that I would start a new career with more security. Unfortunately, this new career did not work out because the women I worked with were backstabbers. It's quite a long story, but in a nutshell, I learned about managing a complex and was good at it, but I just don't have the personality to get ahead. I did it for over a year and helped train new employees, but I'm not good at being ruthless. I ended up getting fired because people just outright lied about me. I have difficulty putting my own needs ahead of others, so I didn't tell the owners that the new lady they hired got arrested and didn't seem to know what she was doing with the paperwork - despite me showing her over and over for 3 months. This seems to be my biggest downfall in life. I can't bring myself to speak up for myself. If people can't see that I am hardworking and honest, then I am not going to tell them I am.

I have accepted that my unwillingness to be ruthless and cut throat and use others to my advantage have severely limited my ability to find a good job with security and decent pay, but my husband can not seem to accept this. He wants me to be the motivated, ambitious person I was in my 20s before I had been knocked down over and over. I just don't see the point. Do I wish I had more money? Sure, we need more just to make ends meet. Do I wish I had a job that offered security and I enjoy - like I enjoy teaching. Sure. I just don't think I'm willing or even capable of what it seems to take to get ahead in today's world. It's causing problems in my marriage, as he has expectations that I can't seem to meet. It's just easier to give up wanting or expecting things than to constantly get shoved back down in the dirt. It hurts less. So...am I depressed? Not terribly. I'm fine with just floating along, working part time jobs teaching and tutoring, which I enjoy but just don't pay the bills. I have happy days when I'm just glad the sun is shining and then I have days where I just go through the motions...but I'm still moving and thinking and breathing. I have my depressive cycles but I fight through them.

Is there a way to recapture the motivation I once had without actually having expectations - because expectations just lead to hurt. I'd rather accept what I have that is good, accept that life is not fair, and accept that sometimes things just don't work out. I suppose I've given up hope, but I'm not really sure that I want it back.= hence, my posting name - weakness