I berate myself too. In fact my explosive anger at others turns immediately internal, and because a self-destructive force. I am always suicidal after explosive anger.

In May, after blowing up at my mom and telling her how she abused me and how it all affected my life. She just blew me off and acted like I was a pest. I went back to my room and grappled with suicidal until the wee hours of the morning. I wrote a note, started texting my closest friend a good bye text, but in the end decided not to go through with the plan. Then I was despondent most of the day. I didn't get up to eat, drink, use the bathroom or anything. I just laid there under a layer of blankets in the heat and stared at the wall. Not moving or responding to anything. I had literally just given up.

My mom came and to talk to me. She said, "Are you getting out of bed." And I just shook my head. Then she told me how she resented me and would never forgive me for chasing my sister away. I just nodded. I mean...when you're utterly broken and you've given up on life, and someone is saying they won't forgive its just like...wow. It doesn't even hurt anymore. She left and came back and told me she might have treated me differently. That actually got my attention. But I've lived with intense guilt since then, because my illnesses seem to destroy my family. According to my mom. That's kind of tough to live with, you know?

But in fairness I'm never going to forgive her either. So I guess we're pretty even.

Anyway...there's no chance in hell I will ever be 100% better. I mean, I'm looking for a realistic goal because these disorders don't go away. You have them for life. If I can just reach a place where I am happy, or at least at peace, I will stamp "Enlightenment" on that.