(((ggtina))),

You just did such a good job with sharing your traumas, that is showing how the therapy you had has helped you more than you might realize. Please be "kind" to self though when it comes to how you develop "guilt" as you are healing and gaining on your ability to put your past into words as you have just done. It's important to keep in mind that when someone is traumatized as you have described, they just don't have the capacity to really stand back and evaluate as you had been slowly doing once you found a good support team. Also, you were simply not in any state of mind to deal with what you described when it came time to reporting the abuse you suffered. You avoided that because you were in no condition to endure any more stress, you deserve to understand that all you did was try to protect yourself because you simply were not capable of experiencing that kind of additional mental stress and the brain will try to self protect when it comes to an overload of the chemicals it endures when a person is under too much stress so not all of how you struggled with was really something you were consciously able to reason out and control.

Your statement of "if I only did something differently" is actually more normal then you think, the reason we experience these thoughts is a big part of why we have survived as a species. The only time a human being can even begin to analyze a threat/trauma is once they are in a relatively "safe" place where they can have something of a calm instead of being so hypervigilant and simply running off of cortizol and adreneline.

It's important to realize that when you were being abused, you were too young to even begin to know how to better protect yourself and all you could do is follow along with whatever the abuser needed because that is the only way you could have survived at the time. It is also very normal if once free of an abuser to block out what took place and try to move forward, again, that is what we as human beings are designed to do.

It's important to realize that if a person develops PTSD, they are very sensitive to anything that is a threat, and that is why you are feeling like you are under a microscope. You had finally found a good support team and then you had to leave that safe support system to face some challenges that you really are not stable enough to face. The truth is that your mother and sister should be exposed to a support system that can help them, you are not qualified to take on that role as you need that for yourself right now. You have an idea of what they need because you had and still do need it yourself, but, that doesn't mean "you" deserve to be put in that role or feel you need to "fake" that role for them. It's very hard to not turn to some kind of drug to have a relief, you are trying, but you have too much on your plate and not enough help and a good support system in place and since you did have that you do know what you need and if you don't see that in the professionals that you have been reaching out to, it can be very frustrating. I am wondering if you can contact the individuals you did have that were helping you that you had to leave because you were asked to go home and help because of your mother's health challenges?

I understand that it's very hard to admit you need more help then you are getting. Perhaps you again feel like if you don't bear the burden you will be somehow failing and will only end up feeling guilty. However, it's so important to understand that if you are being asked to do something you are not equipped to do, that doesn't mean you should think you have to or whatever lacks is "your fault" somehow.

Your history is not your fault, you really did not have anyone to provide you with a safe environment to grow and develop as a person. You sound like a person who is trying very hard, however, as you are doing so it is also important to make sure you continue on a path of gaining on your personal sense of "self care" and also understand that there are going to be things going on around you in your life that you will have no control over. Your mother's health is being addressed by individuals who are professional doctors however that turns out is not anything you can control. Your sister should be getting help by a therapist, you are not a therapist.

What do you know so far? Well, you have learned that finding the right support system is important and it helped you. That is what your sister needs to find, and you also need to find for yourself. Your sister needs to learn how to reach out for a support system so she can get help with learning how to "self help" with support. You also need that for yourself and you have learned what helps you. If you are going to be successful with staying sober, you need to have more support so you can reduce the burden that is on your shoulders that is too much for you. You need to make it "clear" to your addiction counselor that you need more support. Having someone at least once a week is what you need, you need to have a person who you can vent to at least once a week with what you are dealing with right now. You need to be able to give away some of this overwhelming stress to, it's simply not fair to you to go it alone as you have described.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))

OE