About as bad as it gets. Wine will be getting drunk and things smoked to get through tonight - survival at any costs. I remember why I isolated myself now all these years ago. I chose it because it's where people wanted me to be anyway - there was never going to be another way or a better life. So I'm back to the worst kind of thoughts that I get through depression and social anxiety - thinking of everyone outside of myself as part of one complete creature and me as another entirely, and the creature knows I'm not as it is, but I sometimes lose sight of that. It's an old thought I had as a kid in primary school, and here it still is, even though it's somewhat irrational. There is truth of a sort since other people are generally more sociable and less isolated than I am, but it's far too close to solipsism and thinking yourself different - which could easily become egotistical and vain if it was ever positive differences rather than negative ones - to be true. It is how it feels though - out of the loop, stupid, naive, unworthy, horrible, contemptible, disgusting, mocked, ridiculous. People scare me and the bigger the group then the worse it is and the more peripheral I feel. That's at about 9/10.

So that's one half, and the depression is.......well, it's leading me to the usual places....and it's up around 8/10 so I'm going for chemical assistance tonight and I don't even feel bad about it. If people knew how this felt then they'd understand.

Meds taken, had a roll and soup. I've got a diet a size zero supermodel would be proud of.