Does anyone else carry something inside of them that they really, really desperately need and try to talk about? You try and people ignore you and brush you off while you're screaming for help but trying not to be obvious about it? Because you wouldn't want to call attention to yourself, in case people accuse you of doing or saying things just to get attention. But you really need help and wish you could physically sit with someone and cry on their shoulder.

I've been trying to talk about my problems, but its really hard. I can't express myself well.. I worry about scaring people off, or becoming too much to handle. I try desperately to word things in a non-shocking but still somewhat expressive way. But people usually don't get I'm calling for help and dismiss me. I had a dream about crying on my supervisor's shoulder, because he has been very supportive of me and open at work, I see him as a role model, almost like a big brother. He's one of the few males I would actually trust that much to touch me. But being a supervisor means we have to have a professional relationship. I really want to talk to him off the record, but I think it would make him uncomfortable and be inappropriate. I just wish I had someone to talk to. In person.

No one except a really good friend of mine knew I was suicidal and planning on Thursday morning. I broke and lost it. My emotional stability has been wobbly for months now. And this week was just the last straw. I couldn't handle life anymore. My other friends know I'm having a rough time right now, but they don't know how bad it got, or how bad it gets. I do complain a lot about my life, though I do talk about other things as well. I'm extremely good at hiding behind bland or ridiculous humor, and acting like nothing is wrong. I seldom talk about the really deep internal problems, the things I carry, with anyone. If people knew what was really going on with me, psychologically and emotionally, I think they would be shocked. People tell me I'm so charming, sweet, bubbly and darling. They don't see the dark, angry, bitter and hurting side at all.

Its like a closed chapter you never read to anyone. I mean, I say I'm biploar with a smile and a laugh. But they haven't the slightest clue what's going on underneath, as if there's no gravity to those words. Its so misleading. Maybe that's my problem. I'm very misleading. But we all have to put on a show to get through life.