I get it. This week I broke down in tears in my session with my uni therapist, and she came over and sat next to me, then put her arms around me and proceeded to hold me like that for several minutes. She was stroking my back. Her face was sort of pressed into my hair, and she was speaking soft, loving words. I was just hiding my face in my hands, trying to stop the tears.

Once I recovered, I felt immense shame. I couldn't believe I'd let her see me like that. We've hugged a couple of times in recent sessions (I'm trying to overcome my fear of intimacy), and she's told me several times that she's wanted to hold me, but I have kept my distance. When she said "I love you" just before Christmas, I actually lost my mind for a little while. I became horribly depressed, tried to push her away, but she wouldn't let me. The poor woman puts up with so much, and yet continues to love me, trying to get through what she refers to as my "veneer of scorn and rejection". I don't understand why she hasn't just told me to go away by now. She really is stubborn.

I'm trying to accept the love. I want it, but it also terrifies me, you know?