I think that leaving therapy (shortly after you start, in the middle, before you talk about the hard stuff, early, late, etc.) is always an option. I truly believe that the client gets to choose. I've read your posts for a long time, SD and I've always been amazed at how similar we are in our "escaping" from therapy--not escaping in the sense of leaving in a huff or in anger, but escaping because we are feeling the swell of a giant wave of emotional overwhelm building up around us. I don't know about you, but over the past year or so, I've gotten better at riding or surfing those waves, clutching the side of my little raft of "self" and waiting for the wave to hit the shore and turn into that harmless foam. Then, because I've been knocked off the middle of the raft, I climb back on, shake like a dog to get the water off me and start paddling again. Sometimes I can see my therapist on shore waving me in and shouting encouragement, and sometimes I can't see her because it's too foggy and I'm doing the paddling on my own, but I'm still paddling, still trying to ride the wild waters of life.

I have told my therapist that I'm NOT going to talk about my childhood abuse. I have told her it happened, I admit that it has colored who I am as a person and I'm honest about the fact that it has definitely effected my relationships, not friendships (although they are pretty superficial) but more importantly, my intimate relationships. I just feel that I don't want to go there, to sit in front of another person and talk about something that was so hurtful and shame filled. I get that talking about it is suppose to bring relief and healing, but whenever I've attempted to open that box and unpack it, I've found myself in total overwhelm. I don't know if what you're feeling is anything close to what I've explained above, but that's why I've escaped from therapy numerous times.

BUT here's the thing, I try to talk around the topic, but the darn thing just keeps popping up. If I leave therapy, feeling pretty solid and balanced, determined not to talk about the abuse, something knocks me off my little raft yet again and I start thrashing around like a drowning person. After a few attempts to leave, saying, "Look, I'm feeling pretty good. I think I can leave therapy and go live my life", I always seem to hit another giant wave. I've decided that maybe I can't talk about "it" openly yet, but I do better if I'm sitting in my therapist's office once a week, talking around the topic and riding the smaller waves that hit.

Luckily, my therapist is a patient person. She doesn't push or poke or demand that I talk about the issue. When it pops up in session (which it does on a regular basis), she'll pick up on it and goes with it. But she isn't insistent or pushy about it. She lets me set the agenda. That's helped me realize that I, ME, MY BRAIN, is the one who brings the topic to the surface and pushes it into the room to be looked at, and it doesn't just pop up in the room, it is there in my everyday life too--in my dreams, when I hit up against something that reminds me of the issue etc. It isn't going away just because I have good, positive times in my life. Does that mean that I'm ready to go in this week and lay it all out? Nope. But am I really done and ready to go out and wing it on my own? Nope. I have time. All the time in the world . . . or as long as I can still breath to gently approach this topic and look at it from all sides. I don't have to plunge in.

After all that. . . and I know that I tend to be wordy I guess what I'm saying is that you really are in the driver's seat. You can go or you can stay. You can escape for a while and then come back later. You can stay and NEVER talk about the topic or you can hang in there and float around and talk about it in roundabout ways. No need to plunge in. Courage comes at odd times and it doesn't have to be a sudden wild rush into the fray. Sometimes courage comes in steady leaks of determination, a relentless sticking with something even when it isn't cooperating. I think whatever you decide is what is right for you--and if you change your mind midstream, that's okay too. Good luck and take care of you!