Hey escapeartist (love the name it fits me too).
I've done some real ****** things over the years & feel like **** about it. I've smashed dishes & yelled. Usually it was during an episode. Add too much booze and it's like an instant episode. It's not about being a good or bad person. You are not a horrible person! You're looking for help & understanding & searching your soul.
Looking at our dark side is also called shadow work & can be really useful. It's not for everyone & that's ok. It's something I'm learning about. It's like mindfulness, see the different aspects to our self without judging. Without acting immediately on them. And of course you know, trying to do our best & harm none.
I like Taoist idea of finding your center in the hurricane of life & people. And for someone with bp that hurricane can be in our mind too. Find your center & be there. It's all part of your soul path. To me I see you reflecting on past, try to process so you can learn but don't dwell & get stuck there. I personally have grown from spending time in my regrets, but also stunted my growth from dwelling too long in them. Sending love.