It seemed like you were suggesting that my therapist forced it on me, which she did not do. So I clarified. (When I said that I tried to "push her away" after she told me she loves me, I meant that I sent her several emails telling her I wanted to quit, that I wanted to stop seeing her. She didn't want to let me do that, because she knew I was horribly depressed and that I wasn't thinking clearly.)

And it's exactly like Jaybird says - closeness comes in many shapes and sizes. For me, what I need is to be exposed to intimacy, because I'm scared of it. I know what it means; we talk about WHY I am like that, what has led me to become so scared of closeness, but my therapist also wants to give it to me. She loves me, and right now that's something I need to feel, to really experience.

I have been lying awake at night thinking about how much I want her to just hold me, how I wish I could just cry and let it all out, to be seen and heard and comforted, but at the same time I am terrified of it.

I want it because I'm human, and I'm scared of it because I'm human. As human beings we need to be close to others; we need kindness and love, and physical affection. But it is also human to be scared of getting something you really want, because what if you lose it? What if the person who gave it to you suddenly wants to take it back?