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These are some thoughts I wrote to express how I feel. Let me know what you think.
I hated living inside my head. It was a cold and dark place that crippled me with insecurity. Losing my sense of touch, my hands became numb as if they were stung by a black wasp. My soul was paralyzed in thought. Probably because all I cared about was my secret sorrow.
I slowly began losing interest in the things I love. Slowly and slowly I began blocking out all friends and family just because people annoyed me in general. I choose to be alone to drown in my own self-pity.
Swimming in the swirling seas of emotions, where I would sink to the bottom. I was on a downward spiral that continued to swirl and swirl into a deeper rabbit hole.
I felt like a walking kamikaze, strapped with a ticking time bomb on my chest, just waiting to self-destruct. I was a prisoner of my own depression. Not because I didn’t know how to get out of it, but because I didn’t want to. Feeling sad all of the time became a habit.
Because I didn’t love myself, I believed that no one really loved me, even though I knew deep down, it wasn’t true. Nothing seemed to be. The truth lies.
There was no escaping. The more I tried to hide from my depression, the more it grew stronger. The faster I ran, the quicker it seemed to find me. It was as if I was trying to run away from my very own shadow.
I saw myself in others. Projecting my own insecurity, their dark side was simply a mirror reflecting my own inner chaos. My violent hands were blushing red just waiting to break something. Later to find out, I wanted to hurt myself.
I couldn't sleep at night. When it was quite, the white noise in the background made my ear ring that wouldn't seem to stop. I had thoughts of hurting myself but the only reason that stopped me was my anxiety and worry about what others would think of me. Perhaps my ego saved me. I didn't want to die because I hated myself; I wanted to die because I loved myself enough to want this pain to end.
To this day, I remain humble. My depression made me a better man. It was my only opportunity for self-transformation. This spiritual portal opened the flood gates for me to experience God which was beyond my rational thought. My suffering was an initiation process to my higher self. In a weird way, my depression saved me.
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"The opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's vitality"
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