Don't know what got into me last night but I called my father and spoke with him for over an hour. I tried not to be to confrontative but I was also honest. He told me his dear friend had also died recently, a nice man as I remember, died of cancer. I spoke about the fact that I was never good enough for them, always tried to do well and be a good person but always was told I was a bad slut. Spoke of my issues with hanging up on his wife when his mom was dying and all of that. Told him about my kids, actually had him speak with my youngest briefly, he is a tame old man now. He answered the phone without his o 2 on so he became quite short of breath. He told me he wanted me to be happy. I told him I wanted parents who loved me unconditionally and never had that. We didn't speak of the abuse really. No need. I did say to him what my conditions are if I were to have a relationship with his wife, the mother. I told him about some old hurts, for example, the morning I had my youngest daughter and called them to tell them he was very unimpressed and began to speak of my sister who was pregnant and due 5 months later. There was no animosity but I held true to myself. I did not become the vulnerable child. I don't know how I feel about all of this. Confused at best. I told him about how I learned about my dearest Jane dying. He spoke well of her, I didn't know he knew her but he said nice things about the community loving and missing her. I don't believe he knew we were close. I told him how hurt I was when he and the mother always called me a slut. he denied that. did tell me he remembers telling me to wear a bra. I don't know. there will be no settlement about the issues, but will we be able to have a relatioship? I don't know that answer. I am still in shock that I even called him. It's like I can forgive the past if he were to be kind to me now, sort of start fresh you know? But not if my history and my self is denied. He was by the most part less abusive and hurtful then she was but he was her tool and allowed it to happen as well as carried out beatings at her beckoning. I guess losing my Jane made me want family because she was mine. Don't know what, if anything that phone call will mean. My friend at work who is wise and loving told me that if I wanted the relationship with my sibs I had to bite the bullet and always be the one to initiate it and accept that they would not. Accept that they would not come here to see me, if I want to see them I must travel to where they are. I am getting old, my family is aging. I want to have a family but I do not know if it's possible. I will call and love some of my siblings. Not all but some. (have 8) I don't know if they are people I want to be friends with, have to get to know them. Next step for the parents is in their hands. I have soent many years healing and maybe I can keep myself safe from them now in an emotional sense? Oh so confused.