I never know if this person likes me, it's almost always no and if they did I screwed up every time. I don't know it's like my psychosis there is no basis in reality. It's like I feel they all hate me perceived I harbor feelings that are hoping they don't hate me or think of me in a certain unusual way even if it isn't bad as being hated on it's unusual expectations that came from a certain amount of encounters sometimes can turn into obsession.

I hate myself the whole way I wish they would see past it and give some peace of mind give me an answer.

If I shy away and ignore it turns into they ignore me back and go somewhere else or they think I'm a lazy friend. If I don't talk to them. When I do I get too into it over like 2 months later and grow too attached get too overwhelming and feel they hate me. I let someone abuse me in previous relationships, because I got affection even if it was fake to escape this unbalance I'm in.

I never understood why I go for relationships they are like an addiction for idk what. I don't know what's going on.

I can't get too distant or too close. I can't do anything. It's like I can't do anything right.

I have tried to make myself throw up without success for 30 minutes hours ago because of this situation. This person was telling me very nice texts and seen me in person plenty of times was very nice to me I was very happy I open up later it gets more heated when she's sending me sexually charged texts about how we act out in bdsm and her fantasies with me, but I ****ed up. I got too close I got too attached, because my friend died I am fighting the abandonment and the pain.

It's like I haven't found the cure. I try to stay single or stay distant, but both have hurt me just as bad as being in a relationship.

I don't have any relief. I hated my whole life I was told to deal with it. I was never given a chance to learn, I was pushed around by everyone abused by so many people I trusted and then I'm now here tough **** it you now have to be an adult now. **** your feelings, you don't have feelings, you have to be responsible, you wanted someone to coddle you, **** what's your problem you're an adult man now, no one wants that.

Like it's impressioned on me how I am forced to be things I hate most I become very mean and hateful, because everything.

I wanted to be loved but I am bad very bad at it. I haven't gotten passed step one and it's very confusing.

Any female posters do I have any hope?

I've been doing my best I was single for 4 years now, after back to back abusive relationships and a lot of messed up stuff before then. I hold on to this baggage, because I want closure I want what I needed I didn't get, but unfortunately I have to do much more before I reach that point. After that, it's an empty feeling I got, I did my best to be a good friend boyfriend, but people are so hard. Like I want to be hugged when I'm sad or scared not too much but just enough. Someone who is calm to tell me it's ok. I'm tired of doing so much for someone and they **** on me. I can't do it. Like I did everything it won't work.