Plus my husband is retiring and we've had no intimacy in our 20 year marriage.

It's like he's my best friend and business partner.

I offset this situation by having another man. He was obese and depressed because his ex wife got 1/2 of his money in their divorce.
When we became intimate he'd just lost 200 lbs.
He slowly gained it all back plus more weight. It was like self destruction.
I couldn't stand by anymore and he didn't want me bad enough to live for me.
He was over 500 lbs when he died last year.

Later after other extremely bad setbacks I went bizarak again.

Could it be I don't have mental issues I just explode after too much heavy crap happens???