Rayna,

You have some great advice & lots of great input on helping you understand what your BF is going through. The only thing I will add after 32 years of marriage that is ending....is that all the understanding & tolerance in the world doesn't fix the fact that you are a problem solver. One that sees a problem & figures out what you have to do to fix it. If the other person ins't that way (because of ADD or whatever) you will always be the one solving the problems. I can honestly say that after 32 years, this gets so old that you run out of tolerance, understanding, patience, & whatever else it takes to just let things slide because the other person doesn't make any effort to change the things that are a problem.

It can't just be us all the time. What is important is to figure out what you want in a relationship. Maybe for now, this is good & you are fine with the relationship. Maybe even if you know that in the long run, you won't be able to live with the situation as I have described, you are willing for now to enjoy what you have. There is nothing wrong with that.

I noticed the things before I got married 32 years ago....just like you are noticing now. I even said something & let him know what I expected in a relationship....hoping that he would grow up (I mean geeze, he was only 23 & just out of college....just a kid). With that hope I went ahead & got married. Then the relationship continues.....you are independent enough to take care of yourself, your own career, your interests, so things aren't so bad.....then all of a sudden, you don't have the income & the independence you had & you are stuck being dependent on a person who doesn't handle life the way you need it to be handled. The small seeds that part of the initial relationship are growing bigger & bigger. The small things to start have become barriers to any kind of relationship. I came to a point where I either had to drop my values & ways I knew how to survive in life or leave.

I get the ADD excuses all the time now that he has been Dx'ed with that just a year ago, but my problem is that that is a problem that has to be handled. We all have disabilities we have to learn how to adapt to the world around us & if we are the ones doing all the adapting, where does their responsibility come in to share in the adapting?

These are thoughts I have been going through for 32 years & unfortunately, the outcome isn't going to be continuing in the same rut. It takes a long time when you are in a relationship to end up giving up on it, but there comes a time you don't want to give up what you know is right for tolerating something you know is wrong anymore. It's a much tougher decision 32 years down the road than it would have been to listen to my gut feelings at the beginning.....more lives are involved...including a daughter who is having some problems....probably because of the relationship she grew up around.

Hope you can put the pieces together in your mind for what you want now & for your future,
Debbie