I in no way doubt my diagnosis of 'health anxiety' and panic disorder - they just 'feel right' to me and I totally relate to all aspects/symptoms etc.

I have also been tentatively diagnosed with BP 2 or BP NOS when I was 15, 17, 21, 25, 28 etc. Over the years I was prescribed depakote, lithium, abilify, and lamictal, but I've never taken any of them - obviously, I'm afraid of the side effects (!) - but more than this, I feel they may not be 'worth it' because the diagnosis has never felt totally right to me.

I moved a few months ago and just saw a new psychiatrist in town today. After our meeting, he agreed with me that it's really unclear whether I am somewhere 'on the BP spectrum,' or if my mood swings etc. are rather a combination of being an obsessive/creative person + anxiety + traits of BPD. I definitely experience mood swings - highs and lows - but it's much 'messier' than 'normal' 'manic' 'depressed.' More like just having really thin skin, so everything affects me greatly, whether good or bad. Like there is no stable ground ever, but rather I'm constantly having to put in an effort to hold myself/world together. I get incredibly excited and inspired by writing and working on projects, which leads to the sort of 'hypomanic' state (sleeping less, eating less, racing thoughts), and then when I inevitably get confused, burnt out, or overwhelmed, it all comes crashing down and I instantly start thinking about suicide. I work all the time so I wouldn't even know what a mood separated from my work would look like.

As far as BPD, I don't relate at all to the 'chronic emptiness', fears of abandonment, or the kind of manipulative behavior I (perhaps unfairly) associate with BPD. Though I enter relationships impulsively and idealize the person, I don't have 'stormy' romances (though I would definitely say I DID when I was younger). I also don't tend to have angry outbursts or interpersonal conflict...I'm considered outgoing and easy to get along with...people don't 'walk on eggshells' around me (though the past is another story). Then again, as my psychiatrist pointed out, I've made it to 30 without having a full blown manic episode, which seems to suggest a more personality-based issue. at the same time again though, he won't have me take anything above 25 mg of zoloft for fear of inducing another hypomania...

I know labels don't really matter, especially if, at this point, I don't plan on taking any BP-specific meds, but I'm just sort of interested in the relationship between the two and what other people's experiences are like. It seems like bp 2 and BPD are really difficult to tell apart, especially when severe anxiety is in the mix (which, for me, is associated with months-long depressions).

Would love to hear your thoughts / personal experiences!