I finally did it. I thought it would be empowering because it became apparent to me that we were playing out past trauma. Yet I am stunned it kept going on.

But then i was really surprised he was so cruel. Then he said I was making myself a victim. I don't understand as he chose to be cruel, I didn't have control over that. I thought we could use the session to end on a good note, but he used the time to say bad things about my contributions to the therapy not working.

I was devastated because I thought he cared. He told me before he cared. We had a good relationship for the most part, now I am questioning-was any of that real? Was it just in my mind?

He did say it wasnt working because of my transference, but i think some of it was his lack of flexibility and other things, but he said it was all me. he had nothing good to say to me.. It hurts so bad.It feels like knives in my stomach. I can't stop thinking about ending my life. Why didn't I get out sooner? I'm paralyzed with anxiety, I can't even breathe right. It really hurts to end like this. I feel I'm worse now than before I started years ago.