Thank you all so much. I talked to my mom. She apologized and said she didn't realize how bad I was doing. After my last response I went for a long walk I just got back about 30min ago. I was told by mom go for a walk so I did. Initially I started out with the intent to go so far that I worry the ex. So he would call my mom and they could really understand how bad I was feeling. I know selfish and wrong. But that's the crazy thing. As I was walking I changed my mind. I decided to try and focus my mind on my surroundings not my thoughts. But the ever intruding thoughts kept coming. Like they always do. But I started allowing them to come I started experiencing all my different emotions and thoughts. Really concentrating to understand them. Because my thoughts tend to jump from subject to subject without actually finishing the thoughts. I realized that on this walk also. But it got really weird. It was like I was finding all the pieces of me and trying to put them back together. I kept walking until I was able to handle what I had just gone through. Then I turned around and came back. The whole way back hoping the pieces stayed together so I could feel whole. I didn't like a lot of what I was experiencing but it was like I finally understood myself. Eureeka I found me. On the way back I was actually noticing my surroundings. And I found an actual puzzle piece. I picked it up and held it the whole way back. I then started thinking about different things I've read in the recent past. I'm now wondering if I'm going to be told this was just another episode and not real. Like has happened. I've gone to sleep and forgot. I feel calm now though. Relaxed even. I didn't like realizing that I've even lied to myself over the years. I realized that depending on the mood I'm in when asked questions will result in what answer you will get. And it's the truth at the time. But if I had been in a different mood you would have gotten a different answer. Does this make sense to anyone? Could this just be an episode? I am only asking because I have learned today I cannot always trust myself or my thoughts. But I feel like I've finally understood. I have never been able to answer the who am I question. Today I would say I'm me. All crazy pieces put back together.