Hey everyone,
So I am having major urges these days. So far, so good- I haven't done it in over a month. But I am really struggling not do to cut!!
I have this new therapist for the time being, while I'm working on arrangements to go back to my other one. This new T is through the college counseling center and because of that he cannot tolerate a lot of si. He said if I did it once or twice and it wasn't severe, then he would work with me on it but that if I do it too frequently or too severely, he would have to terminate therapy and refer me to someone else basically because the counseling center cannot put me in inpatient care. I guess he thinks that would be warranted. Well anyway, he didn't specificy how many cuts are too many or anything like that.
One of my "issues" I guess, with si, is that I love to do it and keep it secret. I was overcoming that (finally) with my other T because I felt obligated to tell her the truth and let her know every time I cut. This helped give me incentive NOT to cut. Now I find myself thinking, well I'm not in therapy with her right now, so I'm not obligated to tell her. And I can find reasons for NOT telling him- like not wanting therapy to be terminated. And I don't feel obligated to tell him. So now I'm fighting this HUGE urge to do a LOT of cutting. I'm not urging to do it too severely, but just a LOT of it. Frequently. Ya know?
And also I haven't cut on my arms for 2 years. I cut on my thighs instead because it's easier to hide. BUT I far prefer my arms because it's easier for me to do worse cutting on my arms because my thighs are so much softer. I hope that wasn't too much detail. Anyway, I stopped cutting on my arms because (1) it's harder to hide and (2) I will cut worse if I do it there. NOW I am really wanting to cut up my arms. And I could probably pull it off because I'm living in a much colder area now and it's coming up on winter, so wearing long sleeves is the norm. I really want some cuts on my arms.
I don't know why I told all that. I just wanted to tell.
Angela