I totally understand what you are saying. And I go in and out of that thought myself. But I realize that I have spent years, decades distracting myself from feeling my life. All my intimate relationships were always just out of reach. Almost all my interaction in the world were measured. Trees are real, the breeze is real even this miscible cold is real, but my moving through events in my life have always been like a performance. Every thought was measured before it came out. Sometimes a group consensus. And it all happens in a split second. There have been times when I felt real but that only happened when I felt safe. And I almost never feel safe. Anger feels real because it takes something real to put that in motion. Fear feels real only when it is set off by something outside my head. Like a dog trying to bite me. It's funny because after I escaped the dog and was sitting on the roof of my car I felt a rush. Adrenalin no doubt but it was pure emotion in that moment without having anything to do with past thoughts in my mind. It's difficult to really explain. But I want to feel my life solely in that present. So I force myself to go out. To be around people. It is easier to be around people I don't know because they don't have an expectation of me. So how I present is who I am. For now that works. At least I am out of the house. But I totally understand your reasoning.