Lately I've been thinking I have BPD. According to the tests here on PC I likely do have it ha! But in all seriousness, I thought that was the diagnosis I should've had when I started having these mental issues when I was 20. The first psychologist I saw at the time did not agree. But from looking back over my life and where I am at now, I still feel that way.
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"I definitely experience mood swings - highs and lows - but it's much 'messier' than 'normal' 'manic' 'depressed.' More like just having really thin skin, so everything affects me greatly, whether good or bad. Like there is no stable ground ever, but rather I'm constantly having to put in an effort to hold myself/world together."
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This is me. Of course having bipolar would involve mood swings. But I felt as though sometimes they were short lived. Like I would be extremely upset, pissed off ready to punch you in the face type of anger. Then a few hours later I've calmed down and I'm back to normal as if nothing happened. All in one day. And it wouldn't be over something that serious. I just didn't like what you said and/or how you said it to me.
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"As far as BPD, I don't relate at all to the 'chronic emptiness', fears of abandonment, or the kind of manipulative behavior I (perhaps unfairly) associate with BPD. Though I enter relationships impulsively and idealize the person, I don't have 'stormy' romances (though I would definitely say I DID when I was younger). I also don't tend to have angry outbursts or interpersonal conflict...I'm considered outgoing and easy to get along with...people don't 'walk on eggshells' around me (though the past is another story)."
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This is me again. I go through those feelings of emptiness, I think I'm sort of in one right now. I feel somewhat void of emotion and not interested in anything anymore. If someone doesn't talk to me as often as I think he/she should, I feel like he/she doesn't care about me anymore. They hate me and don't want anything to do with me anymore. I know intellectually that is not the case, but my emotions get the better of me and I believe it is true. I sometimes end relationships over this unnecessarily. I did so about a month ago. I have entered two romantic relationships on impulse. I moved in with each one only after dating a few weeks, maybe a month. After that initial honeymoon phase, it turned chaotic. I don't know why, but I do feel most of it was my fault for being mad about something unnecessarily. But I couldn't help it at the time. I was also unmedicated and my moods were really intense then. They both lasted barely a year.
And I think people do walk on eggshells around me. At my last job, most of the guys eventually became either irritated with me and ignored me or just gave me plenty of space because they knew I could blow at any second.
But then I think the BP is there because I have had some hypomanic and definitely some depressed episodes. A lot of these started back in adolescence and got worse as I entered young adulthood. I've had issues all this time of self hate, and I'm hoping this is something the therapist can help me with. I've destroyed many relationships when I look back over nothing but my mood swings. I only have a handful of close friends which I only talk to on occasion. I've been hurt so much I put up a wall to not let anybody else in to hurt me again, so I can only get so close to someone.