Quote:
Originally Posted by thepterodactyl
Sorry you've had such a rough time in the romance/friendship department (though you seem very self-aware and committed to getting better - which is so hard when you feel like crap!)
I can see why you might think there is some BPD mixed in with your BP. But also, could your feelings of emptiness be depression? And could your rage also be associated with a BP episode? Or do you feel these aspects of your experience are actually part of your personality? I definitely feel empty/void of emotion when depressed, but this seems really different from feeling like there is a 'hole' or huge question mark where one's self-identity would be.
I really really like this guy's website in general, and he wrote a little bit on BP vs. BPD:
Bipolar Disorder and ?Borderline Personality Disorder? | PsychEducation
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Thank you for the article! It really can be difficult to separate the two and the older I get, the better I get in recognizing symptoms, but I know I shouldn't self-diagnose as well. The reason I believe I can fit some of the traits is because I have had those intense mood swings within hours and/or one day. It was pre-medication, and I pissed a lot of people off. My feelings of emptiness are always there, but become more intense when I'm depressed. I just don't know where I fit in in life. My cocktail numbs that so I don't "hear" it as loudly compared to when I'm depressed. The rage I've felt in the past are reactions to something someone has done or said to me that I did not like or agree with. As far as romantic relationships, I do have a tendency to think my boyfriend at the time is the best person I've ever met and do my absolute best to please him. But as we get comfortable, chaos is the norm and I can't stand the site of him. I don't speak to any of my exes because of how the relationships ended. And recently, I had made friends with some people I was hospitalized with. Yeah we all had our issues, but we still clicked and I thought it was so cool that they would be my friend. They were so pretty and outgoing, I couldn't understand why they would even talk to me. But when I stopped getting replies to my texts messages, I thought they hated me and we're ignoring me. They're feelings weren't genuine to me. I cussed them out and blocked their numbers so I could not be contacted anymore. That was completely unnecessary, but my emotions had me believe it was. Two more relationships gone for no reason. I used to be so impulsive (which I know is a trait of both), I had bought and traded in three cars within three years "just because." My hypo mania can lasts for weeks and tends to euphoric. I'm drinking and partying, spending money I know I shouldn't be and having sex when I shouldn't be. But I tend to swing more to the depressed side that the hypomania side. The hospitalizations are from those episodes. I've often felt as though my life on earth is a waste from the age of 13. That void has yet to be filled. I have everything I want that I worked hard for, but I still don't even care. I feel empty the majority of the time. And because I've pushed so many people away, it just emphasizes it.