hi summerflower
oh no, it's not embarrassing, especially when others (like me) have passed through similar episodes.
I can remember I say my first porn at the age of 16 (when hormones rage) in presence of my mother (!!), after having had homosexual fantasies for more than three years. I became addicted at once, being interested in the dirtiest productions. Of course it was the degradation that I looked into them, a punishment for my miserable existence.
I needed 20 years of torture and several years of medication to be able to increase the self-esteem a bit and be able to get away from porn.