"Would you please tell me what has happened to you?

OK, I don't want to make things worse, neither to challenge your beliefs:
But do you people honestly think that a benevolent god full of wisdom would punish somebody with unwelcome thoughts, or OCD?"

I'm not sure if you're addressing me, but I am a Christian and have OCD in my secular life in the form of pathological doubt and checking. It attacked my faith almost a year ago and has not let up. I understand that God is merciful and will not punish someone for a disorder. I wish it were that simple. My themes have ranged from not being saved because of a lack of trust/faith, to not having accepted salvation, to having accepted salvation, but since then leaving it, to not being saved because I'm a smoker and may have unforgiveness in my heart. I hate it. I feel like the only thing that matters has been taken away from me. At least I finally have a diagnosis and have started therapy.
I'm fully aware that this is a problem with me and not with God. I just don't know how to convince myself that it's okay to just let go and relax and accept His love, but that's the only thing I want out of this life.