I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It is all too natural to feel there is an internal battle being waged. That is the nature of this beast. Sometimes, it is all out war and then after the war is over there may a few skirmishes that attract your attention but that shows you are paying attention, more aware, after a long battle.

You need to pay attention to recognize what you may have to work on. Bipolar I is not a disorder for couch potatoes. I know, I have been working on it for over 3 decades. I have had bad times but many more good times. The fight is worth it. Try to get back with your pdoc and tell them what is going on. If medication side effects are an issue, get them worked out and maybe some counseling to give you some more weapons to carry on the fight with.