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Originally Posted by kkrrhh
I think I've experienced something very similar. Maybe not 100% exactly the same because even each different spell of it varies in ways for me. :P
It does sound like depersonalization and/or derealization. Sometimes it feels like more than that for me, but I don't know, I guess dissociation can be complex. I've been going through a spell of it that has kinda in some ways been getting better, but definitely still there. A weird thing that's stuck out about this time is just how confused I feel at everything. It sounds weird, but it's like my brain is having trouble making sense of the world and everything, and I'm overthinking the simplest little things. The way I've found myself describing it to people a few times the past couple months is that my mood is just, "confused." I'm not confused about something particular, I just feel confusion a lot, generally. And I feel some of the thing you were talking about where it's like... the world is crazy and the way my brain's seeing it is so inconsistent and it does just make the world seem a mess. I have a general sense a lot of needing to do something to fix it, or it'll just fall apart worse, but I never know what.
I've been having especially bad trouble grounding myself lately, too. One thing that helps me is going through the senses one by one, kinda doing what I think some people call body scan meditation. It also helps me to find certain mantras to tell myself when it's bad - self affirming, grounding, whatever I need. I've read one a lot of people use for dissociation, "I am here, here I am," but I don't know if that one helps me much personally.
It also really helps to remind myself sometimes that it's only a change in my brain doing this, and that it's temporary - the world is still there, working the same way, it's the same world that seemed more normal to me and made sense before, and it will again. I'm still me, I'm here, and I'm experiencing some problems but they will pass, and these feelings, even if unpleasant, aren't actually dangerous and technically can't harm me.
I hope things get better for you soon.  |
Thanks for the suggestions. I can relate with the overall confusion and disconnect, and I'm usually in some state of dissociation at all times, it never really goes away. (Hell, a lot of my typos/grammar pissups are overlooked because I simply can't connect with what I'm typing and my brain sees them as 'correct', keeps auto-correcting them in my thoughts). I've gotten used to the ever-present, moderate dissociation as I have gotten used to chronic headaches, but as with headaches, it's not something you can get used to; you just get used to the idea of it.
I try to use the grounding technique of being as self-aware of my surroundings as possible, sifting through news articles to remind myself that the world is still there and not vanishing anytime soon, using all my senses to connect to the world. The problem is, when I do this, I experience some kind of opposite-dissociative feeling. The best way I can describe it is: rather than feeling like nothing's real and everything's slipping away, it feels like everything's
too real, towering over me and ready to collapse on top of me. Kind of a heavy feeling, but not quite like the episodes of dread I have. Hard to describe. It feels like every pound of the earth's weight is under my feet and it's pulling me into its gravitational pull. Kind of spooky, like the entirety of space is looming above and I can feel the weight. Out of the pan and into the fire, so to speak.