Dear G, so I am working on this shawl I am crocheting for you, but I think it's going to end up being too heavy and awkward. It's not going very well and I have to finish it by Thursday morning because that's our last session.

I had spiritual direction this morning, and that was hard, very, very hard. Then I came home and finished working on my presentation for class. I went to class, and once I was standing there in front of everyone I got so nervous that I was shaking, but I got through it. I started feeling SO IRRITABLE watching all the presentations, and I got home feeling EVEN MORE irritable. I thought I'd do my usual and eat to try and make it go away, and of course it didn't work. I am just getting more and more grouchy as the evening wears on, and I think it's because out last session is getting closer and closer, and without even knowing it I've been pushing away all my feelings about ending therapy. I'm feeling angry at you again, which is totally unjustifiable, and I just don't want to go into the emotions because it's too hard when I know I won't be seeing you anymore. I haven't been feeling those feelings of grief and loss. It's weird, because I haven't been aware of trying to push them away. It's like the closer it gets to our last session, the more I feel myself disengaging from you emotionally. But I haven't been trying to do that - it's just happened without me knowing how, and that bothers me.

Two weeks ago I read you a poem I had written about ending therapy, and how I feel angry at you, and feel my anger is unreasonable and unjustifiable. I've told you about the urge I've had to run out the door in the middle of therapy. I told you how I've wanted to walk away from you, because if I walk away from you, then you haven't abandoned me. It's totally irrational. I feel irrational. I feel like I have a tumult of irrational feelings tumbling around inside of me. Most of all I just feel so MAD and ANGRY that therapy is ending and that I have to say goodbye to you. It isn't FAIR! I always have to say goodbye to the people I love the most, and it makes me not want to get close to anyone ever again. We've talked about that in therapy too, but I have still not reconciled myself to the knowledge that no person can be a permanent fixture in my life. There is still all this angry pain of loss and abandonment and I don't think it's ever going to go away. I hate that you can't be a permanent person in my life, and that's what makes me SO MAD and SAD and want to lash out at you, somehow make this your fault because then I can be mad at you and being mad doesn't hurt as much as being sad.

I am scared about three things on Thursday:
1. I am scared that I will be so overcome with sadness that I won't be able to stop crying
2. I am scared that I will just feel so mad at you, and I don't want to be mad at you because you are such a lovely person and haven't done anything to deserve my anger
3. I am scared that I will be so disengaged from you and from myself that I won't be able to say any of the things I might need to say. I'm scared that you will ask me questions and I won't be able to answer because it's too painful and without trying my mind will go blank, that I will just go somewhere else in my head without even trying.