Hello dear community,

I've been searching for many forums and sites regarding mental issues but it was yet I found here and psychcentral seemed the more welcoming forum I've ever seen, thanks for having me.

I've always struggled with these problems I'm going to mention here, since I was 12-13 yrs old and it got worse each and every year.

Have been to a doctor 2 years ago and the only medication I was on was Zoloft and that I still use it sometimes. But never been to another doctor about my problems cause at first it seemed to work but not anymore.

It all started with obsession, some belief started to make up my mind like I need to do something in a special way or else something bad can happen. Even though I knew it was not necessarily meant to be, If I didn't do it correctly could have get mad about it in my head for days which could interfere with my life.

That remained the same for long time, I got better but sometimes it comes and goes, I kind of have learned to manage it somehow.

Things continued this way, Some days I been cool ... Somedays I was nervous as ****. I don't know why but it's the matter of the day. I'm not sure how I'm going to be tomorrow. Am I going to be able to handle a difficult job situation? well ... I know that today I'm so cool I can do it but I don't know about tomorrow. I felt like sometimes if I'm partying and get drunk I get so much better but sometimes I get drunk and I feel worse. same with smoking cigarettes.

So I had a bubble around me for long time, It was like just me and nothing in the world. If I danced people could easily tell that I'm deep in to myself and not thinking outside of the box. I'm now better thanks to zoloft.

I can also tell that if I eat stimulants, like caffeine (chocolate, coke, coffee etc) I get worse immediately. I can even forget names my memory gets in problem. Some fruits can have the same effect. I try to avoid these things as sure as possible.

But yet again I don't like my body, what I am and I think I'm always steps back from where I should be, I always wanna talk about it but I always get the feeling right before I wanna tell that "I'm a cool guy I'm not those losers to talk **** about life, there is nothing wrong with me".

I can't stay long in a community, I try to avoid people most of the time. People might think I'm selfish not looking at them or something, or like I'm arrogant but truth is I'm scared of them. I'm scared that the social behaviour I'd do couldn't be right, I don't seem cool. Something always stops me from being myself in front of people. I try to act, think about what I say and I don't show no feelings. If I join a gym. If some people there wants to make friends with me, If they start to talk and I feel like there seem to be lot of guys here that remember me or have seen me for quite long time and that I'm gonna get in social interactions I will try to change my gym and go elsewhere cause I get scared. I have fear and don't feel good.

one of the main reasons I can't really be somewhere I wanna be is that I really don't know what mood I will be in even one hour from now. I'm all cool and some bad situation can fall me into pieces and I can swing from a happy positive person to a negative piece of **** in a matter of a sec.

sorry for typing too long. I really love to know what is wrong and if I can find people with similar problems like mine. I know I have to visit a doc but there is no one that can support me. Also I feel like my mother also has same problems (at least some of them) from the way she behaves but she not aware of it. She can make me worse sometimes, or most of the times. I'm 26 yrs old male.

Regards,