Hi, I am new here but, I know my feelings are not new to anyone else here. I feel like I am going crazy, only now it has a name.
I am a 40 year old mother of 5 and I haven't even started living yet. Over the years I have been diagnosed with an axiety disorder and major depressive disorder but, never felt like those really hit the nail on the head. Then, the other day I came across some information about Dependant Personality Disorder and I saw my whole life flash in front of me.
Everyday, I fight with myself and to this day, I have no clue how I got through my husband's 18 month deployment to Iraq.
I would love to hear from someone else who has the same disorder. I know that mine started when I was very young. I had a very overprotective father and a very authoritarian and demanding mother. I can remember being afraid to go to school because my mother wouldn't be there to tell me what to do and I was afraid of doing something wrong. To this day, I still feel the same way and to make it worse, my mother will tell you that I have never made a good decision in my entire life and she is partly correct. Everything I have done and the way I have done it can be drawn directly back to this disorder. It almost controls everything.
This last month, Iost 11 pounds from an extreme bout of anxiety which hasn't entirely dissapated. I am still somewhat sick to my stomach.
I am afraid to tell my husband about this because I know he just doesn't get it. (yeah, I know...afraid of losing is support or approval). I hate this dredded thing because I run around in circles in my head all day. There is the logical side that rationally assess a difficulty and gives me one answer then, there is this other side that tells me this problem could cause an extreme shift in my life and become a major tragedy (totally irrational....I know).
Sorry this is so long....I will try to be brief with the rest.
This is my second marriage...my ex-husband (of 15 years) was an abusive alcoholic and yet, I was afraid to leave. I did awful things (that he wanted me to do) to try to gain his acceptance and ended up hating myself for those things even more.
I have completed 2 1/2 years of an English Lit degree during which time I was inducted into the English Honors Society yet, I have no faith in my ability to write nor in my intelligence.
Basically, I feel like Charlie Brown...I am afraid of everything.
Does anyone else out there feel this way?