If I physically can't take it I'll go to the hospital for detox.

But the major reason why I don't want IP... Over these past 4 months I've had like 5 diff pdocs and they just keep adding on meds without even reading my file. All of them kept me on. Vyvanse with no history of ADD but huge history of substance abuse plus a daily, dangerous amount of caffeine that was all noted in my file. None of these pdocs even put it together that hey maybe I'm over stimulated and that's why I'm flying so high one day and crashing so hard the next. Yes, I should of spoke up but the addict in me thrived on the next "up".

Now every single time I've been to IP, they never gave me time to detox off my current meds. They just supplied ativan around the clock, put me in a hard bed, and yay classes all day long until it was time to sit in front of yet another pdoc that would whip up a brand new cocktail because he think he knew me. I'd play nice for two days then got out and went on my way mostly unstable with years of the residue of other meds in my head. Then they'd all stop working. Id stop the meds, start the drinking. Because no one in freaking IP gave my file a minutes glance to even take care in my diagnosis.

I'm sure there's good ones out there but my insurance is crap and I'd end up in a cattle farm going through the motions to be put on the wrong meds and sent on my way.

So I rather be in my pillow top bed, crying into my own pillow, scrubbing off sweat in my own shower.

Edit: just want to add that more than anything, I'm scared of the mental withdrawal. I'll either turn depressed or dysphoric and I have no support around me. My family and bf just thinks I should get off my damn *** already. I'm terrified to feel the pain, the tears, and let's hope to god I don't [trigger] get so bad I self harm. It's been years but I've never done all this at once before so I don't know. But I'm scared.

Trileptal 600mg BID
Buspar 45mg
Seroquel 150-300mg for sleep
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvanse 70mg
Risperdal 4-6mg PRN

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