I had a rough morning cried all day. Going through some stacks of papers trying to find a copy of my drivers license, which was lost or stolen at mardi gras last week.
What I found and tried to sort through were my 20 year old sons hospital records, therapy notes, bills never paid. Pictures he drew me, letters he wrote me from rehab and hospitals.
He was hospitalized about 10 times for bp episodes. Currently he lives homeless on the streets. He's an artist and musician. He's tried heroin, yes needles.
He comes over for about a night a week for a shower and a floor to sleep on.
I had to sell my house last June and move in with bf of 10 years. Bf never bonded with this my older son, they're opposites. My bf adores my youngest son and we live in a beautiful house in the woods, but there's not room for oldest son. I stay to try to keep a stable home for my youngest since everything went so wrong with my older 2. Older son told me last week - asked me about getting help for bp but he really doesn't want meds (he was forced on many in the past) & doesn't want to admit he has it. I talk openly with him about my meds and what has helped me.
Felt like I needed to explain some backstory.
Today sorting thru the papers it hurts so bad remembering all these hospitalizations with my older son. While crying that hard I was aware I'm facing old trauma - reading all the detail of Sui attempts etc.
I was wondering if I should continue, like am I processing it and it will end up healing? Should I wait and do it with a therapist? Is it trauma work - how safely deep should I go?
I got through a lot of the papers, started some writing but couldn't deal & had to put it all away.
I really wanted to take some extra sleepy meds and sleep the day away but bf is very judgy about me doing that or missing work. And I certainly can't talk to him about anything going on with older son. I'm hurting so bad and holding it all in. Spent some time searching housing to rent but it's near impossible in this area. I'm trapped want to run. I want to be strong and heal.
I've lost and failed at so much, but I'm a better mother now. I'm close with my kids. My 14 yr old is doing great. But I've got to save my older son's life. I'm rambling sorry, a lot on my mind.
Let me know if anything I should watch out for doing the trauma work on my own. I don't have a new t yet. What triggered my last mania was sons gf hurt herself 2 months in front of me in my kitchen. Pdoc knows what's going on and we know I need a t. She's happy I'm back here on PC.
The anger and anxiety and intrusive thoughts are so hard. Yes I'm grateful everyone's still alive but I'm constantly terrified something else bad is going to happen. My own anger is really scaring me because that's not who I am or want to be at all.