I haven't been sleeping well for about two weeks now. It's kind of funny because my pdoc referred me to have a sleep study because I was having so much trouble staying asleep. I have a cpap machine. These days, it's not helping. My mind has been wondering for a little over a week. I can't seem to stay focused on anything and I'm forgetting a lot.

So, three days ago, I was innocently "chasing a rabbit" in my thoughts. I chased it down a little hole and found myself in darkness. All of a sudden, I was face to face with my attacker trying to free myself. Feeling like there was no control. Scared. Alone. And replaying the situation over and over. Two days ago, I had an appointment with my T. We discussed it briefly but I thought I was going to be ok. Yesterday, i had to go back to see her again. Flashbacks got worse. Fear was becoming crippling. Couldn't keep myself in the present. Today, i woke up feeling better and then it started over again. This time with a different episode but the same abuser. Scared. Alone. No control.

I know he is not in my life anymore. I know I'm safe. Well, I don't really know it but I'm supposed to keep telling myself I am. I'm not living in the house with him anymore. I'm ok.

I want to be free. How do I make this stop and not come back? It's been a while since I had to use EMDR in a session. . .

How do I avoid having flashbacks out of no where? How do I avoid triggers when I can't even see them coming?