hi..
i'm new to pc..
i thought i would introduce myself here in cutter's corner since it feels like familiar territory to me and i'm sure i'll be posting here in the future..

i'm a 42 year old married mom of a college age son..
i grew up in an insane household of mental illness and alcoholism.. i was the brainy one.. the quiet one..
at about age 15 i first cut into my own arm while smoking marijuana with friends..
this was the 80's and believe me.. back then no one talked about si/cutting.. i'd never heard of it before..
by 18 i discovered when trying to cut my wrists that just cutting and bleeding helped me so much.. i thought at the time that i was the only one doing such a thing..
and i have had a self-injury problem ever since..

so over all these many years i have developed as many alternate coping tools as possible and read every book on the subject.. had many years of therapy..
i still cut. it helps me sleep.. it dissociates me when i have become too overwhelmed.
but i don't cut as often..

i believe that cutters are people who need a kind of ritual or concrete expression of their pain.. and with that instinct i have tried to turn as many potential cutting episodes instead into art or writing..
now i have an entire online gallery of paintings and collages.. i also make short films, write poetry.. even have written an entire book about my childhood..

so that is me..
i still have very strong cutting urges but i only cut maybe once in every 3-4 months.. the thing that stops me is that i am a roadmap of scars and it is so hard to hide from others..
i'm also in recovery from anorexia and have a heart condition.. what i hate more than anything is lying there naked at the dr's having to answer questions about my scars.

anyway..
anyone who wants to visit my gallery is invited, there are 2 hallways at my website 'gumbyland'.. in my profile..
there is also stuff at my blog.. and my poetry..
please take care as the writing is especially triggering..

i encourage anyone trying not to cut to try creative expression any way you can.. even if it is all red..
take care and i'll probably be hanging around..
ghost