I can completely agree and understand where you are coming from. I waited until very late in life to even trust a T to even begin this journey. I did no going in that the dynamic is the equivalent of hiring and emotional prostitute... Forgive my analogy, but it is the closest too realistic I have found.

I am like you, in that I know and feel and believe the complete worthlessness of myself also. The dynamics within the therapeutic environment are both extremely helpful and extremely painful. I know there is someone who truly tries to be helpful and care, yet it takes money to finally get that compassion. I don't doubt there is truly A level of care, for therapists would generally not go into this field. But I am also wise enough to know that the caring honestly has nothing to do with me, for Who I am, just their professional choice. It is the hardest when there are no others in our world due to what we have done to ourselves based on our past and then when we open these wounds to attempt to make life better, all we really have around us when we hurt is the proof of our aloneness because the only person we have let him is one of a business deal that cannot truly be there beyond very specific parameters. And if that is not all hard enough, if you are anything like me, every time T has to make changes or cancellations because of understandable life circumstances, everything in me knows that it is truly just that he can only deal with me for so long before needing a break and will use or take any opportunity to not have to deal with me. Even if I try to rationalize and tell myself maybe it's not true, everything in me knows it is.

The bigger question I can't figure out is beyond the therapy but in why it seems the people who have been hurt the most and are the most caring people are the ones who seemed to be left alone to handle life and those that are hurtful to others and really can be so self absorbed seem to have caring people all around them. I don't understand this!!! I would never hurt anybody even when it has meant harm to myself, I would do for anybody, yet I am alone to face these demons everyday. I will say I have learned a lot about priorities thinking about what others want compared to what I want. Right now more than anything in the world I just want somebody next to me to tell me at night that I could go to sleep and they won't let anybody kill me before the Sun rises. I do wish somebody could explain what is so wrong with me and those like me that God decided we had to not only go through the lives we did but we are destined to remain alone and have all of our belief confirmed on a regular basis.

Life, I do not understand. .. sorry if my response is too over the top, but last night was a minimal sleep night to avoid the nightmares and yet stay awake to feel like I could stay alive, but honestly I'm here. I don't know if this was all what you were thinking or if I am on a WildTangent, but I think I understand your premise and I'm sorry you have to live this life also!