Hi Puzzclar,

If it's a slip, not a relapse, keep counting! I'm sorry things are so hard right now!!!
I urge you to use the helplines as suggested by CANDC, preferably before rather than after you did something you'd wish you hadn't in the clear light of day.

Hang on in there. I really hope you can find a way to stay safe.

Wishing you some sort of peace and the strength to continue reach out for the support you need.