I have been feeling wretched lately, not like me at all. What has been helping (some, at least) is surprising to me.

Out of curiosity I have been reading a lot of sociopolitical type articles lately, of the kind that basically state "as individuals and groups we seem to have interpersonal rules that only serve to scare and subjugate or give one person or group implicit power over another as we all claw our way to the top, and there's something very wrong with that".

Some of these articles are from a left/liberal perspective, some of them totally the opposite. These kinds of articles - often written in a very logical way - are actually beginning to help me question my own negative core beliefs, rules and fears, some of which I hadn't even realized I had. It is causing a bit of an upheaval inside, but anything is better than realizing I have been living a "grey life of quiet desperation" basically because I thought I had to, that this is just maybe the way things are. LIES LIES LIES.

I don't know where we learn this garbage, but it has certainly been contributing A TON to my depression!!! Why do I persist in acting like a socially powerless, masochistic sheep with so little courage of his own convictions? How did I get so dysfunctional? Meds don't help at all with this kind of stuff. I think the term "it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" is not just resonating with me it is EXPLODING within. I think I have serious - maybe even severe - issues with social phobias, a negative self-image and a horribly submissive, limiting, self-judging mentality. Maybe I have the male version of "good girl syndrome". Maybe I was bullied or intimidated or put down one time too many at a formative age, I am not sure. Maybe I am passive-passive/aggressive and then beat myself up for it. Can't win for losing. I wish I could think MORE "black or white" sometimes because the undifferentiated "grey" leaves me unable to make a decision, and at other times I wish I could think more subtly. It's so utterly confusing. Oh my, the baggage is so deep. Does it ever end!?

Thanks for the brainwashing, persons unknown. I am deprogramming now. The worm is turning. You might want to think of running now. Running very fast and very hard ... oops, too late. Time's up, *(^&$%#. Oh you are NOT going to like New Me, and I no longer CARE what you "think"!!!!!!!

I will be the kind of person I CHOOSE TO BE, thanks all the same! I am tired of feeling like I'm patted on the head for being a sheeplike idiot drone on the one hand and a rebel without a cause on the other (although this is more rare). *&%^ what clique or jack#@@ X,Y or Z thinks!!! QUESTION, QUESTION, QUESTION, people!!! Sometimes sanity depends on it. Although ... you may feel like you're very close to losing your sanity on your way to (re)gaining it. That's where I am right now, and it's NOT easy at all.