Such an emotionally exhausting day: roller-coaster-esque.

The day began at 8am with six hours of psych tests after a consultation with the psychologist yesterday. He was an arrogant, pompous, self-absorbed, something I can't say here. He sat in his office for thirty minutes while I waited in the waiting room watching him through the glass door while he read the referring psychiatrists notes so that he had his mind completely made up before I walked in there. When I did join him, we went over my (physical) medical history in depth and I explained my primary issue to him in greater depth than the google search on the term he got in his thirty seconds of research. It is a severe case of myasthenia gravis - latin for grave muscle weakness. Wouldn't mention it here but it's about to become important.

I met the person he has administering the tests this morning. Test one is the CPT-II. For those unfamiliar CPT stands for continuous performance task. I have to hold my hand above the space bar for fifteen minutes and hit the space bar whenever a letter appears on the screen...except the letter 'x'. I can't hold my hand up for two minutes. "Just do your best," I'm told. I push myself, then the spasms start at about five minutes and my hands is banging off the keyboard uncontrollably. At eight minutes I go into convulsions - at this point the test is discontinued.

I take some emergency meds I always have on me and as soon as the tremors stop we move on to test two: kohs block test. Arrange the blocks to look like these pretty pictures. Honestly, I can do this one in my sleep - I know this test well; heck, I've administered this test before. But I can't control my hands - it's a flippin' neurological auto-immune disease...so that one is a disaster but I keep trying. I've lost the ability to talk by this time because my facial muscles are failing too. My eyes are rolling into the back of my head and I am fighting blacking out (something that happens regularly when exerted) but we have a schedule to keep so we move on to test three.

Chunking tests - lets rattle of lists of numbers and I repeat them back. I am so ready for this...not. But hey, test four was coming. Here's a pencil, start writing - oh and you're being timed. I can't hold the pencil. I'm using two hands trying to make my hands work and I'm writing like a kindergartner. Did I mention they score for accuracy, speed, and letter formation? In fact, test five, and six required me to write my answers as well. A few verbals after that and then my personal favorite, the MMPI-2. I was so beat up after six hours of this...but had the foresight to schedule an appointment for two hours later with the good therapist who I began to go see to deal with the trauma of seeing these other yahoos (who I must continue to see for another couple of weeks).

Rested for two hours and then the appointment. I've already shared with her the interactions I've had with my other therapist and psychiatrist...but then told her about my experience today. I made a thread a few weeks ago asking, "If your T was an animal, what would he or she be?" I referred to this therapist as a bunny rabbit. So this bunny rabbit started shaking as I described my day...and then started crying, forced out a pre-apology and dropped some serious f-bombs. I didn't even know bunnies could cuss.

I've never felt so validated in my life. Then it got better...

She asked if I would consider, when I left my therapist and psychiatrist's 'care', letting them know exactly how they have harmed me along the way. This latest thing today isn't really their fault, but there has been trauma inflicted over the last year. I agreed that I'd think seriously about it - explaining that if I can't find a way to say it so that they will hear me, then I'm concerned that they'll just put up more walls disconnecting themselves from patients and do even more harm to future patients. But agreed to think about it and even jot down some thoughts this week surrounding the idea. She was still visibly upset for me though and so I gave her some homework.

Think about what you would want to say to them as well, and I'll see if I can't work that in as well. "I will SOOO do that homework." The day finished well. I love this T.