It was an interesting experience. Kind of startling. But by the second time I was doing it, I felt like my memory wasn't real. Like I was making it up. Like it wasn't real...I'm worried this was dissociation. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't believe this was happening...or had happened. But if I conjured this, why does it have such a hold over my life? Can a fabricated memory do this to you?

I felt panicked most of the time. Teary eyed. Confused. Because as a child I was confused and didn't understand what was happening.

Today I was off...after therapy I went to work. Despite drinking a Monster energy drink, I was spaced out and tired. Like...no buzz whatsoever. Red Bulls make me fly. So I'm drinking Pepsi, not to stay awake, but because it comforts me and takes off the edge. I can't drink alcohol, so I self-medicate with Pepsi.

Yup. Still out of it.