I am glad I did not co the deeper alone. I need a t guide for this. More keeps surfacing that is making me more angry. I started to journal and the pen leaked everywhere, maybe that's a sign. Maybe not.
The anger has toward all men who ever hurt me, or my children. I'm thinking so much hate hate hate. It's not who I am.
I was looking forward to the seroquel tonight but the pharmacy mixed up the order, it happens. I'll be ok til tomorrow.
I'm currently dwelling on some **** that happened at mardi gras. This was a chance for bf to finally meet my family out there. I got a little wild and excited. Dragged him into a classy strip bar happy hour prices no cover. I'd never been & I guess I was pushy insisting we go. It was very upscale, only one dancer at a time. They seemed to like me the best I thought it was fun. So a beautiful black lady comes to dance and bf starts going on & on about wow that is the nicest bootie in the world ever. I laughed & agreed she's gorgeous. But then he said remember when you had a nice butt like that. Wtf. What a dumb thing for him to say to me. She took her top off and he said well her boobs aren't that great though. I went irate. Her boobs were fine, kinda looked like mine a bit saggy maybe she's had children like me. He said the place was disgusting and we left. I gave it to him how men think it's ok to critique every part of a woman's body. The butt is too small or too big, same with hips and thighs and face and eyes. The boobs are too saggy or too small or the nipples are too dark or too light. I went off on him. Somewhere around that point I took off down bourbon street by myself, got lost, either lost my wallet or it was stolen. I got wasted. I lost my nice hat & scarf. I lost my 2 necklaces that were very sentimental. I wandered the street crying, sobbing, could not cross back to hotel cuz the parade. Found some nice looking religious people who wanted to pray for me. That just made things worse, they prayed for "the enemy" to let go his hold on me. It was a mess. My phone died, I finally got it charged and my adult daughter tracked me. Some very nice people escorted my sorry walk of shame back to the hotel.
Bf was not concerned I was missing, that hurts. I'm confused cuz I'm a feminist for equal rights in workplace & government etc. but I also want my man to watch over me & have my back. It is known bourbon street any time of year is not a good place for a woman alone. He really didn't care. He told me I'm crazy and he doesn't know what goes on in my head. It wS said in a cruel way, not a way like honey help me know what's going on in your beautiful crazy mind.
There's more. The next day I tried to talk and apologize for how id offended him by drinking too much. But he wouldn't tell me the parts I didn't remember. We walked around mellow, I tried to hold his hand a few times. I tried to behave how I thought he wanted me to. My adult daughter came out to meet us and we went for beignets at cafe du monde our favorite - heavenly. . But he was not too impressed. Blah blah fried foods. So them we did some shopping , my daughter asked me why does he wait outside when we go in stores? I pulled him in one that sold hot sauce thought it's be fun for him. It was, he bought himself some nice hot sauces. My daughter & I both felt a little uncared for that he didn't offer to buy us even some tiny things. I'd lost my money & wallet, and he had plenty of money. I can only guess I was being punished for the night before, I'd had $100 in my wallet from him chipping in on the big family dinner. Or is he really so clueless? He had an opportunity to do something sweet especially for my daughter, she would have loved some silly shiny trinkets to bring home to her only 2 friends. And to me it would have been a romantic gesture. It was our chance to bond and make happy fun memories together.
Well it got worse, daughter went back to hotel and I had more drinks with bf. I suggested the drag queen show could be fun, but that got him very homophobic & offended. He was rude to the nice gay guy at the door and I was embarrassed. He walked off annoyed & I was lost again. The crowds the tears. I did meet a lovely lady Katrina who took me with her friends and we had a lot of fun. She grabbed my phone and sent bf a text along with a pic of her kissing me. So I did make the most of it and laissez les bon temps roulez for sure.
His flight went home the next day, kids & I just got home night before last.
I'm venting. I should talk to him about all this bothering but so discouraged as it just usually only leads to fighting & every problem defaulting on me & my emotional issues. Well it's like he has no emotions and I can't stand it. I feel like there will be no resolution if I try to talk to him about any of it, and I'll just bottle up even more.
I was hoping this rant would ease my anger but it has not.