Quote:
Originally Posted by here today
But some of us lacked the self-knowledge and/or self-cohesion going into therapy to do that. There’s a basic flaw in therapy, I think. Saying that’s a basic flaw in the client gets people like me nowhere. We come to therapy for help with things we have come to the end of the road trying to help ourselves with. Therapists didn’t diagnose or otherwise tell me that I lacked self-cohesion and other flaws. And of course I had a lot of the inherent flaws in me covered up – not consciously being fake but you can’t function in the regular world with flaws, certainly not in my family of origin. Exposing, helping me get to the core of some of those flaws was, I hoped and expected, a job of therapy. And hence the therapist to at least help with.
The attachment theory, trauma, and object relations therapy that my current T uses try to address some of those issues. But previous therapists did not. And in their blaming responses to things I would never say outside of therapy, they hurt me. Only I didn’t even know that, just that I got angry, but since I didn’t behave in the real world like I did in therapy, I had no reference point for the problem being “in me”. That which was in me only came out because I allowed it to in therapy and then the therapist couldn’t handle it! Good grief! Doesn’t anybody else see the problem being in “therapy”, even if the problem started with me? I went for “help” for goodness sake!!
|
I want to reply to this part specifically: "That which was in me only came out because I allowed it to in therapy and then the therapist couldn’t handle it! "
It's an interesting thing because, yes, therapy often creates these situations. I don't believe that, as a relationship, the T relationship is any different than any other relationship, aside from the random factors of how the T and client match up as people. Because ultimately the truth is, unless they have a serious problem, T
cannot accept or remain neutral about everything a client could possibly tell them. They are human.
There are a lot of uncomfortable things you can tell your T that don't foster any intimacy or connection. It might expose your vulnerabilities, but it doesn't necessarily make you actually vulnerable.
Like in my situation, I know I'm a master of not saying The Thing I'm Not Saying. If I won't say that thing, I can even talk about my otherwise most embarrassing, scandalous, weird memories, memories that likely have no personal relevance to my T, and I will get nowhere, because I'm specifically not saying the thing that I know would
really affect T. T's are real people, they will have real reactions to things that are relevant to them, whether they want to or not.
What I mean by the thing I'm not saying, for me is like, the difference between "I want to be loved" vs. "T, I wish you would love me." The former does not foster a genuine connection with the T, the latter will make or break a connection because it forces the T to reply with regard to both of our feelings. And if I want a genuine reaction to my genuine feelings, I certainly have to accept that the reaction might not be the one I want, because that is reality.
Anyway, it's different for everyone, but it can't be the T's responsibility to heal the client because the simple reality is that the majority of the factors are completely in the client's control. Which T to see, how frequently, for what reasons and for how long, how much to trust the T, how much and what to share, in what format, and how much to cooperate or resist the T, etc.
If a T tried to force a client to heal, one that didn't really want to face the things they need to face to heal, even if the client claimed to want healing, that client would still become upset and leave or lash out at the T. It is the client's responsibility to make good use of therapy because nobody can do it for them. The client will only be receptive to the growth they are actually willing to tolerate.
I mean, if the way you process information is not healthy, then also your evaluation of whether or not a T is good is also probably unhealthy. It's kinda like being that one girl who always dates guys who are horrible for her, and everyone can see it and is baffled why she puts up with it. It's because she sees something in those guys that causes her to idealize them and ignore their flaws.
The point is, growth happens by becoming generally
less dependent on others and external factors. If you are satisfied with being dependent on your T, you can't grow. And if you need to reserve the right to blame your T for therapy's failure, then you are dependent on your T. Don't get me wrong, your T might have actually failed you. Frankly, just like lots of people will fail you in life. Blaming T, blaming therapy as a whole entity, these are all excuses to keep the problem outside oneself, even
if it is the truth that therapy could be better, or an individual therapist could be better, it is also the truth that you can learn to spare yourself those disappointments by becoming more selective, responsible, attentive and honest with yourself. Any other person or thing or commitment would fill the place of T if T were not there.
So you can end up thinking over and over again that T betrayed your trust, and feeling upset about that, or you can use that experience to realize that you have to decide for yourself whether or not people are trustworthy, even when they claim to be, and are "supposed" to be. That is reality. And reality sucks. Reality is hard and harsh and therapy cannot change that, even within the office. It's certainly more comfortable to depend on and look to others than carve out your own path, but of course in the long run that is unsatisfying.
However, if therapy can get you to say the thing you're not saying, then whatever happens, at
least you know you are going in the right direction. The T who leaves you when you say the thing you weren't saying--that T was never any better for you than the moment when they left you, so by saying it, you spare yourself that many more sessions with a T who is not as trustworthy as you think they are.