I feel like I'm sinking into the void to be very honest. Aside from the awful separation anxiety and panic attacks, I feel empty and without any sense of direction. Like you, I get those intrusive suicidal thoughts and despite doing everything I can to distract myself from them, they pop right back into my head. I always have a difficult time understanding how other people could possibly like me in anyway because I find myself to be an awful, pathetic person. And just like you mentioned, I feel like I will also never live a normal life and that in itself makes me think "then what's the point of continuing if you know things won't ever change?" I'm sorry that you're also struggling so much. I'm sorry that I can't give proper advice.