Maybe some have read my rambles in a other topic.

I'm such a mess. I'm acting like a mean girl.
A few weeks ago my T told me she's pregnant and will go on leave. Since then I've been an even bigger mess than before. I'm feeling anxious, angry, sad, hurt, abandomed.
My T has been a really good T to me. She's trying to help me with getting a new T. She has someone in mind who works where she works. She's trying to help me with my anxiety about it. I don't have good experiences with previous T's, so I'm really scared I'll relapse with this new T. I'm scared I don't like her, she won't understand me, etc.

I've angry feelings towards her because she's leaving me. I feel hurt and abandoned. I know she isn't really abandoning me, but it feels like she does.

In the middle of the night I was feeling really low again and I wrote an email which I actually sent to her. It was very angry. I said ''I quit''. Today in the afternoon I got a reply and it made me cry so much and I feel so guilty. I still need to cry about it. She reacted ''normal'', she wasn't a mean back to me. She was a bit shocked by what I've written and by the conclusion I got about her. That my email gives her the idea she can't bring me on other thoughts about it. That because of her pregnancy I don't see her as a good and reliable T any more. She has tried to give her best in helping me these past years. She hopes I will change my thoughts about quiting and hopes to see me Friday, even if it's just to say goodbye and leave on good terms.

I don't want to quit at all. I'm mad because she's leaving. I'm hurt. And she... I don't know. It seems like she's just fine with leaving and with leaving me. I get it, I'm just a client.
Maybe I want to much. I want things she doesn't or can't give me. I don't want her to be more than my T. I just want a little bit more from her. I want to know what she thinks about me. I want to be her favorite client. I want to know if she cares about me. I want a hug after a session in which I've cried. I want to know a little bit more about her.
But above all, I don't want to lose her just yet. I still need her.
To go through weeks and weeks without seeing her, I don't want that yet. I can't.

I want her to not let me stop.

This email was maybe a bit too harsh. It are things that keep coming back in my mind. ''She's leaving me. She doesn't care. I'm a lonely mess and she's happy at home with a family.''

I need to send her an email back. I'm trying to write it.
I'm just so tired from everthing. I'm hurting. I feel lonely. Hopeless. I just can't handle this.