I dont know where to start, so I'll just start.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and have been married for 6 years next month (sept 22nd is our anniversary).

In the past he has been mentally and physically abusive towards me, and I did what I could to forgive him when he promised me he would never do it again...a promise which he always broke. The last time (the third time) he shoved me down on our bed and choked me....and had a look of hatred in his eyes that still haunts me.

I suffered from panic/anxiety attacks when he became angry, because his anger was always so explosive...it seemed to come out of nowhere and I found myself being scared of when he would wake up in the morning because I didn't know what he would be like that day.

He threatened to divorce me, leave, etc multiple times..but never did...and then blamed it all on me and told me it was all my fault.

He would seem to "snap out of it" a few days later, and tell me he did not remember what happened...then it would be a few days or so and he would snap again..yelling and screaming, etc.

Recently, he said he saw a doctor who diagnosed him with bipolar disorder, after I told him I was leaving for good and that I wanted a divorce. He's been taking his medications (lithium and another medicine that begins with an "L" that is for depression). He says that he feels like his old self again....like he woke of from a coma after years of not knowing who he was.

I can honestly say that since he's been taking his medications (about 2 weeks now) that he certainly SEEMS different. He has since admitted to his own parents what he did, and has been crying constantly over things he said that he did not remember, but that he can now recall since he is on the medication. He appologizes all the time and says "I swear to you, it was not the REAL me that did those things...it was someone else in my head" and things like that.

He now says that he does not think he has bipolar disorder, and thinks it is something else. He has scheduled an appointment with a medical psychologist to be evaluated.

I just can't beleive that he does not remember what he did to me...it seems a little "convienient" to blame "someone else" for what he did, even though he seems to be taking responsibility for it.

The problem is: It may or may not have been the "real" him that did those things, but it certainly WAS the real ME that had to live through them. I just cannot stay his wife anymore, and I just don't love him the way I used to after that. The only time I can feel truly normal is when I'm not with him.

He keeps asking me why I don't understand that he couldn't help it, and why I cannot love him for who he really is...but I just honestly cannot see a future with him.

When I told him I didn't love him anymore, I saw the look in his eyes.....it completely crushed him and he cried for 3 days straight...begging me to stay and see that he is the man I married again. He hasn't eaten anything in close to 5 days now because he said that he's nauseated at the memories of what he did and the feeling like his life is over because I'm leaving him. I honestly DO feel horrible for hurting him this badly, but what can I do about not loving him anymore? I just can't find it in my heart to feel the same way about a man that abused me, even though I have forgiven him since I now know he has a mental disorder that he most certainly did not ask to have.

I'm completely lost on what I should do....but no matter how hard I try, I cannot forget that look of utter and complete hate and rage on his face....and I really don't think I can ever love him again.