Quote:
Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind
Hi MobiusPsyche,
We have a lot in common  . I too have gran mal seizures (have had them since I was 15mo old, I am now 41yr old), depression and borderline personality. I have a few other things too - but I will just stick with the ones we have in common for now, ok?
You said you were diagnosed with your depression and BPD while you were still pretty young. I understand your explanation on not doing much for your BPD back then, did you try anything for depression back then? I saw you mentioned thyroid meds - do you have problems with your thyroid? That too can cause depression to worsen. Did you have any specific traumatic type events that triggered the initial onset of the depression (if you don't want to answer that it's fine).
For me, they actually did have me on hypothroidism meds for a time, but I got to a point I could no longer afford the doc so I no longer take that. I still take meds for my seizures. Mostly though, I try to control my depression by more natural methods because I trust them more than medication, and my BPD I just try to contain through what I am able to learn about DBT.
I am not able to get to an actual DBT therapist not can I afford to buy the books - so I go to a book store that lets me read them there at the store and research information out online as much as possible too.
What types of treatments have you tried - and have any of them been beneficial at all?
Please don't beat yourself up about not seeking help sooner. There is something a good friend of mine once taught me:
"We cannot change the past, we cannot know the future - but by living the best we can now, today, we can make our tommorow better than our yesterday."
She and I no longer talk, but many of the things she taught me remain with me today - so I don't regret the friendship, it helped me grow. Neither should you regret your decision to wait on getting help - you gained something from it, if I had to guess I would say "strength". It takes a lot of strength to survive when you feel like life is never gonna get better for you and you look around to see everyone else happy. I know, it took me til I was 25 to get help - and I had been hurting badly since I was 12. Oh, my step mom and dad took me to counseling for a few months when I was a teen, but it was more of a way of letting me know what a bad child I was than an actual attempt at help. I still have never really received true help but I have been educating myself how to help myself betteer in some ways. So, I understand both your pain and your frustration - but please know, it doesn't have to be a "death sentence". From what I read, it sounds like that's how you perceive it? |
Thank you for your response.
No trauma-related things triggered the initial depression. I think I had been depressed for a while, but there was a worsening when I was 13 or 14 so that's where I put the "start date." Some life events were contributing to the depression then, causing extra stress, but nothing trauma-related.
I've been on synthetic thyroid hormone since age 16. I had a tiny (benign) tumor growing on my pituitary that was causing my hormones to be all out of whack. We were able to shrink that initial tumor through medication, but I still have to take thyroid hormones. I am thinking of switching to Armour thyroid but haven't done so yet.
I'm sorry to hear that you can't afford medications. I've heard several people say that, and it makes me sad and angry; our healthcare system sucks. I'm very fortunate in that a) my job has generous healthcare benefits and b) I've been able to keep my job.
The DBT workbooks are very helpful. I'm not doing full-blown DBT either; I don't do well in group settings because I get so overwhelmed. I started doing mindfulness meditations about five months ago and I'm only now starting to see benefits in terms of my mood being more stable.
I'm doing individual psychotherapy (twice a week) instead, because I prefer that route and because my insurance company will help pay for it. (Fortunate again.)
I've done tons of individual therapy but I was holding back on all but two of the therapists. It definitely does help me to cope better with the depression, though. And for one period I had a boss who was literally The Problem, so it helped to have someone to process what was happening with. I've also taken medications for most of the time since I was diagnosed, antidepressants almost the entire time and some mood stabilizers in there as well occasionally. I find that the medication does not, will not, get rid of the depression but it does allow me to function and get out of bed and go into work when I absolutely have to so I keep taking it. The benefits outweigh the risks for me, at this point in time. The only thing I haven't tried is ECT; saving that for when I really need it, I guess.
I don't see any of these things--psychiatric or physical problems--as a death sentence. I do think that many of them will be with me until I die, but that's different--I guess that's a life sentence, not a death sentence? (Suicide is the obvious exception for me; depression and BPD could literally kill me...someday. Not today.
)
Thank you again for sharing your experience, and for reading about mine.