Someone recently started a thread, "What is severe depression?" I couldn't bring myself to even reply. I was simply too tired, too depressed to formulate the words to describe how severe, severe depression can be.

I wanted to keep it a secret. No one else needs to know how brutal and unmerciful this disease can be. I should just keep my mouth shut. Besides, no one really understands anyhow. What's the point?

Another year of well meaning professionals poking, prodding, lecturing and arguing that "all depression is treatable?" Another debate with Psychiatrists that being "hopeless" is a REALITY and should not be part of a diagnosis of "delusional" for people suffering Endogenous Depression.

Endogenous Depression is a biological condition. It has nothing to do with any situation or problem in life. It's not because you have a problem coping or a bad attitude. My brain is broken. The "reward " center in my brain doesn't work. It's dead.

For 7 straight years all I have done is research every medical journal, every clinical trial, every anecdotal story of treatment for Endogenous Depression with Melancholy. I can't work, don't sleep and have subjected myself to every possible insult a body and mind can endure AND...it just keeps getting worse.

This past year:
January- February 35 (one-hour) treatments of rTMS, Reiki Therapy
Neurologist- Lumbar Puncture analysis due to Parkinsonism Syndrome due to bad reaction from Abilify-
March- April. ECT Treatments
April- June Detox off all psych meds due to preparation for Ketamine, Severe Benzo withdrawl
July- Ketamine Infusions (awful side-effects for 3-days, no help)
May-present- Hospital based, Intensive Outpatient Program (DBT)
Aug- Oct- Integrative Physician Assessment and treatments- Attend Native-American Sweat Lodges
Oct- Quantium Medicine Treatments- HA! Interesting!
Dec- Discontinue all remaining meds... Welbutrin, Serzone
Nov- present- Naturopath, tons of supplements, Acupuncture (good stuff)
December- DNA analysis, methyl-folate, heavy metal detox, saliva cortisol, more supplements, more lab analysis, MORE depression, MORE Hopelessness
Finally sleeping with Remeron YEAH!!!
January- Neurologist eval- on my hands and knees begging for an MAOI (Nardil) 24/7 Sui thinking- I am to call back next week...
In two-days... Meeting with Neurologist to do Dense Array Neurofeedback- my last hope...

WOW I'm tired... Grateful I've been in a financial position to try all these therapies but NOTHING has helped at all. And yes...my spiritual self is nurtured daily as well-
Did I miss anything? Can't take much more...

Oh, almost forgot...YES...I've done the exercise and health thing too. Inpatient programs at two world-renowned health centers. Exercised SO much I ended up with osteoporosis in my hips and a jaw bone that disintegrates in pieces and comes through my palate. Oh, and the depression caused "pseudo-Cushings" Disease. My body has experienced so much stress it thinks I have a pituitary tumor... Damn, depression is a formidable foe.