I get terrified whenever there sounds of things banging together. Like my parents searching for something and they seem to want to make as much noise as possible. And I'm sitting here, trying to ignore it and not jump out of my skin. Usually them banging things while cussing and swearing, my dad breaks stuff all the time and has an explosive, unpredictable temper. Listening actually makes me physically tremble and feel so afraid. Slamming doors is another one what ruffles me and makes me want to hide somewhere. Raised voices is another.

I still live with my parents. Because I can't afford my own place. And they were abusive, to each other, to us. So when they start slamming and banging stuff, I go back to when I was a little girl and feel very unsafe, scared and vulnerable.

My therapist told me that I am safe now. But I don't feel safe when any of that is going on. These things happen everyday too. I don't feel safe in my own house, with my own family. Only when I'm completely alone and with my cat. Every time I see my mother I mentally and emotionally prepare myself to be verbally torn to pieces. My heartbeat accelerates. My knees get shaky. I don't know how to talk to her, because I'm too scared of her. And it seems nothing I do really makes her happy, no matter how hard I try. Which is the story of my life with her. She insists she didn't abuse me. But if that's the case, why the hell do I feel this way and experience these things?