i'm sick :-( in fact i'm feeling so sick that i txt messaged my t last night and said 'i'm sorry but i think i'm going to have to cancel our session tomorrow because i'm really feverish and stuff'. then... i txted him (before he had a chance to respond) 'unless... you wouldn't mind doing a phone session instead?' so... the upshot was that we had a phone session this morning instead of a ftf session.

one of the things that came up was about my emailing him very personal / intimate / self-disclosing stuff... and about... how it was good that i was doing that if i really couldn't raise it in any other way but that... it wasn't good if it was making it harder for me to talk to him / see him ftf...

i told him that i used to wish that people didn't have bodies. he seemed surprised at that... i think he will want to talk some more about that...

i sent him an email. 'i don't see why we can't to phone therapy or email therapy or chat therapy instead of ftf therapy. i don't see why we can't do things that way'. i sent him a couple links to some of the Suler stuff about the online disinhibition effect and about how transference can be heightened in online interactions and about how there can be an uncanny empathy / mind reading that happens online similarly to how there can be that in ftf interactions. stuff about how the self-object functions might be met more online precisely because of the disinhibition effect. stuff about how there can be more material and working through online precisely because of the heightened transference and a-syncronicity of interactions.

don't know if he will buy it / what he will think.

he said something about how therapy can be hard because there aren't many situations irl where another person is so very focused on you (in a way that isn't reciprocal). that the last time that happened with me was probably with my mother... then he said 'i could be wrong, of course' (as he does - probably incase his interpretations hurt my ego...) i said 'there were others after that but i don't know how i feel about that'. he seemed a bit surprised that i said that. unwanted male attention. triggering, yeah.

i said i don't understand why i can't lie down with my eyes closed and why he has to look at me.

i don't like being embodied. i don't like it at all. i feel like i'm really trying to increase intimacy and really trying to disclose more etc etc. but i'm feeling overwhelmed by the physical presence aspect of it all. am i avoiding intimacy? i feel like i'm trying to increase it. maybe there are different aspects to intimacy and i'm trying to increase some and avoid others?

so confused.

:-(