And I feel awful. I feel depressed and feel like I should just die and all those other depressive thoughts but then I feel so guilty for feeling this way. It's because I know if I kill myself my boyfriend would feel so hurt by everything and he'll get sad. I don't want him to be sad. Then I feel guilty which makes me more depressed. It's a whole cycle and I can't break out of it.

Before this relationship I really didn't care if I died. Nobody would be sad other than my boyfriend now if I were to die. Sometimes I just want to break-up with him so he can get over me just so I can just kill myself in peace.

I don't even know how to cope with this. Sometimes I think my depression is all in my head and I'm a liar and faker which makes me hate myself even more. I haven't even told my boyfriend about my depression because I don't want to burden him with my issues. Don't even know what time is a good time to tell him (I haven't officially been diagnosed with depression because my family doesn't believe in mental illnesses so sometimes I feel like I'm not obliged to tell him).

I just feel so pathetic and awful. Life is ****.