i think... seeing him isn't hard because i'm trying to avoid the pain of needing him... it is more that i get these intense urges... to claw my face and punch myself... to attack him... to pull him close... to jump on his lap and throw my arms around his neck... to seduce him... to run from the room... just an intense state of physiological arousal and disorganization. can't think. can't think. it is too much for me :-(

so i need to regulate down a bit. not looking. better with phone contact than with ftf (he has a soothing voice). i wish email would run better... i'm not sure that he knows that a similar connection can develop with emails...

i don't know. hanging head.. i don't know :-(