You and I have a lot in common. Not officially diagnosed with BPD and I am sure I have ADHD, but doctors dismiss it when I bring it up without even discussing it, IDK why.

Same way about the relationships, too. I am not making desperate attempts to avoid abandonment-- I push them away. Same way you described exactly.

I have wondered if I do it to reject them before they reject me and questioned if I deserved love. But, it is honestly just that I fell out of love and sexual attraction. I got repulsed, turned off.

As time went on, they started to show a lot of qualities that I really didn't like. I began to feel incompatible. I did not belong with them. I get an overwhelming feeling of I don't belong with anyone.

I have gone right from one man to another my whole life. Currently married, but recently separated, a rocky relationship of over 20 years with children. Prior relationships were a few that lasted a few years and were brief or near engagements. I've had unrequited love, inappropriate relationships, short-lived relationships, dates that didn't click, a few encounters that were just sexual, but most all relationships were with emotional attachment and mutual.

If you're interested in reading my other posts, you'll see that due to the dysfunction of my marriage, I am traumatized by sex now and don't want to even have it again. :-(

BPD, ADHD? IDK

P.s. It all started with a drug-induced date rape that took my virginity at 16.
And a father who was despondent and smoked himself to death when I was 12.